The Diaries of King Arthur: Part 2

24 Mar

This is part 2 in a series. If you missed out, start here.

INTRO: I’ve been wanting to write a comedic screenplay about King Arthur having a breakdown for a couple years now. I’ve started the Diaries as way of finding that story and the screenplay’s comedic voice.

WARNING: The following may be EXPLICIT at times. Also, I know nothing about King Arthur.

***The Diaries – Cont’d

7 of March, YooL, 605 AD

Hello.

Because of the entry of yester-yesterday my wife granted me access to our bed…for a peck on the cheek. She quoth this: That while Tristan’s joke was not appropriate, I was in the right direction mostly headed. She told me should I speak of my men and my day that she would reswear her fealty to me, and I would be able to sail the seas of her womanhood faster than a ship of Saxony.

Lord, I have never known such balls of pitch. They feel so heavy that when I walk I can hear them clang against each other like bells.

Very well, I’m sure that I, King Arthur, Lord of the Knights of the Table Round can find something to talk about.

Ho hum.

Um. Today I beset upon my knights to hold another mid-winters feast. Launcelot, Galahad, and Bors were most insistent. Once again, they are eager to test thine strength, especially Lance and Gally. Speaking of that pair, they have been terrible close of late. Lance has been petulant and distant from me for a fair year. Once we were the greatest of friends. It seems he has transferred the wealth of our friendship to Galahad’s slender shoulders, and they will not be be separated it seems. If I did not know both men better, I might think them lovers. Not that their’s anything wrong with that. I they want to take tunrn playing woman. I will not divulge their secret.

Oh for heavens sake, I prattle on like a wetnurse to a babe. I have a page full of wasted ink. Confound this exercise.

8 of March, Year of our Lord, 605 AD

Praise Jesus, the Christian God, and All Saints, I am laid.

She read yester entry and granted ME entry. Though she reproacheth me I spoke ill of Launcelot and Gallahad. Whatever, there was still Success in the marital bed! 4-fold time. Not since my younger years with Nell the cowmaid have I been so resilient.

And rarely have I seen Guin as passionate. The first time I profess she was calm and merely stroked my back lovingly. The second time she wept, I stopped, worried that my vigor had done some injury or discomfort. Quoth she: they are but tears of joy. Then she  went at it like she had something to prove. I assume she wishes to inspire further writing, or perhaps she has missed my knightly ministrations more than she cared to admit.

Lord, I love my wife!

PS Saw the ‘Alchemist of Relationshipes” today. Encouraged us to talk about our feelings. Vomitous.
PPS Galahad and Lancelot du Twat still continue their flirtation. I’ve drawn a crude drawing of them here in the margins. Note how I have made L. the woman.

Editor’s Note: The drawing, unfortunately, does not survive.

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